Stupid PE teacher

Hello everybody in blog world. I have been in the other world for a bit, it's not as cosy as here though and the weather's worse. The main reason I'm writing this blog is because I remembered something annoying and wanted to share it with an audience rather than have an actual conversation about it. I'll follow my old format.

Transport:
As many of you know I have purchased a beautiful pink Nissan Figaro named Charlotte, I no longer have to go on the smelly bus or watch people drool half chewed pasty crumbs on to their coats. NO instead I ride in style. Charlotte is a sexy bitch.

Dog:
Here is a recent list of things my dog Penny has ate and or destroyed recently:

1x green curtain
1x pink slipper
1x tan leather bag
1x handle of a lap top case
1x nap blanket
1x my patience

Fruit:
I had a bag of ten day old grapes at work and my colleague greedily scoffed them this afternoon. I'm relatively sure they'd started to ferment.

First annoying thing:
I was playing netball tonight and I remembered some annoying things that were said/happened to me at school. On one parent's evening my mam sat down to speak to Miss Raisin the head of year and my PE teacher. I remember this is how the conversation transpired:

"well Nicola you don't put in much effort do you?"
"Yes I do"
"well you normally go for defence don't you?"
"no, I like centre or wing attack"
"well name one other person in your class who you think is good at Netball"
"I dunno loads, erm Sian"
"do you think you're as good as Sian?"
"Yes. I'm better."

Second annoying thing:
When I was 13 we went to Zimbabwe to go on Safari, visit Victoria falls, camp in the wild etc etc it was going to be a real adventure. I was excited and was telling my class mates about what I was going to do/see. Miss Raisin chips in:

"well I'm having a better holiday than that I'm going to the Amazon"

Third annoying thing:
When I was 14 I had to choose my options for my GCSEs. I had a conversation with Miss Raisin in the corridor about my choices:

"what have you decided to study Nicola?"
"Art and Drama"
"oh no that's a complete waste of time, you should do separate science."
"Well I don't really want to, I think it'll be boring and I'm good at art and drama"
"They'll be a waste of time and won't amount to anything for your future"
"but why would I want to hang out in a lab when I can dress as a pirate?"

I mean who makes a child compare themselves in a negative way to another class mate, who craps on a kids excitement to go on holiday and who instead of encouraging, belittles a young person's choices?

I think this illustrates the fact that Miss Raisin is crap.

Good night.

Zoology

Transport update:

Recently I’ve been getting the number 9 bus to work. This commute has proven the most effective in terms of minimal changes and time scale. However as we all know, public transport is open to the public. The public is full of nice people; it is also full of annoying people. There is this one woman I regularly see; I have not spoken to this woman, yet I reckon I could accurately write down her CV. This is due to her incessant rambling to other passengers. Her craic is generally “ yeah I have a degree in zoology but I work in the job centre as there aren’t many jobs available in zoology; and I should know!” buhbumbum tish!

The other evening she spent a number of minutes listing all of the supermarkets in the area, their closing times and how you can get cheap meat at a certain time. “I went in to Co-op at 18:50 on Wednesday and managed to find a cooked joint of ham for 54p!” the poor man she was inflicting her jabbery on patiently listened to her unremitting nonsense before he finally responded with “I’m a vegetarian” bad news zoology girl! She laughed nervously and offered (almost as a way of an apology) “I used to be a vegetarian for 7 years” it was as though she had ‘done her time’ as a vegetarian and therefore is now morally obliged to gorge her rosy face with cheap cuts.

I prefer a quiet commute.

Dog update:

It is 21 days until Lovett and I travel half the country to collect the latest addition to our little family Penny Lovett. I have explained to Poppi she is due to meet her new sister, her reaction remains despondent and aloof.

Fruit update:

I have an old pomegranate in my drawer.

Comedy:

My next comedy gig is for the Grinning idiot at the Cluny 2 on New Years Eve. I’m rather excited to get the microphone back in my hand; my last gig was 24^th November at The Stand. It was lovely, I wore lipstick and had curled hair thus my Samson theory prevails.

I’ve written a new joke by accident:

“It’s cold isn’t it? It was so cold the other night I walked the dog wearing three jumpers!...the poor thing looked stupid.”

hehehe

Samson

Wednesday was my 65^th gig, I mc’d Red Raw at the Stand Newcastle. Having only Mc’d a handful of times, my confidence was lacking. I started the gig by explaining the logistics of the night then delved in to a bit of brand new material, this was a bit of a gamble as usually acts try out new material sandwiched between stuff they know works, the gamble did not pay off. There were a few moments in the night when I stepped on stage and didn’t have a clue what I was going to say, this has to have been the most anxious I’ve ever been on stage.

I spoke to the owner of the club after the gig Tommy, he’s an absolute gem. He gave me bits of advice and a lovely big hug. I’m going to get back on that scary big horse and give it another bash, only this time I’m going to be more prepared.

My brain wasn’t in the game on Wednesday night but I don’t feel like my attire was right either. For some acts what they wear seems to hold no relevance, clothing and appearance has a direct link to how I feel and act. I’ve read that Ross Noble likes to wear skater trainers on stage as they ‘give him a good grounding’ yet are comfortable enough for his high energy routines. On Wednesday I was all in black with tan boots and belt, I wore my hair straight, these are the clothes I wore to work that day, my everyday wardrobe if you like. Usually on stage I like to wear a brightly coloured dress, I feel feminine and confident in heels, I wear my hair curly and my lips are painted red. Appearing on stage as Nicola rather than ‘stand up Nicola’ made me feel uncharacteristically shy and defensive.

So to summarise it wasn’t my lack of preparation that made me a bit rubbish on Wednesday it was because I had straight hair and no lipstick I was like a plucked peacock! I’m basically the Samson of the comedy world!

(Ok maybe I should write some jokes)   

Back by popular demand.

A number of people (about 4- hey that’s a number!) have asked me why I stopped writing my blog as they enjoyed reading it during a toilet break or skive from work or simply to break up the monotony of their voyeuristic lives. Whatever their reasons, I decided to have another little bash at it.

Transport update: The other day one of the ferry men crept up behind me and pretended to push me off my seat and in to the Tyne. Never a dull moment.

Dog update: Last night I had some girls over and we were discussing the basic needs of a human being and how gross men can be (typical) my mother in law commented that farts were one thing but burps really get to her, she claimed that if someone burps near her it can make her physically sick. At that precise moment my dog burped. Oh how we laughed!

Fruit update: Today I have a banana and a tub of strawberries.

The last time I updated this blog was in May, a great deal has happened since then. I have been to San Francisco AND Leeds. I have dyed my hair blonde, performed at many gigs, bought an olive tree, seen lots of friends and family…err life basically.

Here’s a list of the gigs I’ve done since my time being AWOL:

36^th Do tell tales (a lovely little gig)

37^th Long Live Comedy

38^th Freevo festival

39^th SoYouThinkYou’reFunny? Competition Leeds (I got through-oh yes)

40^th Variety review

41^st Quack Quack

42^nd Long Live Comedy

43^rd Random gig in Bradford (somewhere)

44^th Charity gig for NTCC

45^th Tyneside cinema

46^th The Live theatre grinning idiot

47^th Funny’s funny

48^th The Boardwalk café

49^th The Sage Gateshead Local Heroes the grinning idiot- jeffing awesome gig!

50^th The ship Newbiggin

51^st Long Live comedy – This was weirdest experience I’ve ever had at Long Live.

I didn’t realise until I just wrote this down that I’d reached my 50^th gig, it was a strange little gig. It was through the day and there were children there. Lee Kyle shouted at a child. She deserved it though.

Where are my bones?

Transport update: I'm still enjoying the delights of the tyne and wear public transportation system. I found myself laughing at a woman missing her metro yesterday. I'm pretty sure karma will bite me in the ass.

N.B. I do not believe in karma so in your face Earl! 

Dog update: Poppi is losing an extreme amount of hair/fur as she is getting her summer coat in. This is most frustrating as every time I move the sofa there's half a dozen hamster shapes floating about. The hairy bitch.

Fruit update: (as requested by my friend meg) I have eaten some grapes today.

My 30th gig was on 5th may. I suppose I should mature a bit now I've reached the 30's. The gig was a weird one. It was part of a series of evenings called inkfest. There was probably about 15 people there other than the comedians and staff. There was this woman in the front row with bright blue hair. She was not there to laugh at all and sat arms crossed at times refusing to even look at the comedians. We decided her problem was she had no bones. I went home and made this picture of her:

My 31st gig was at the Grinning idiot. It was the last gig to be held at St Doms in Newcastle. It was a lovely evening and my set was nicely received. Also on that night was Chris Wade, George Zach, James Dodeswell and John Scott. Callum Cram did a weird dance thing at the end it was amusing but he seemed a bit injured.

My 32nd gig was at Long Live comedy at the Dog and Parrot in Newcastle. I tried out some brand spanking new material. It was a productive evening I'd say 50% of the set was for keeps other stuff is in the maybe pile. It's so exhilarating trying out new material, its the adrenaline the not knowing what reaction it'll get. Even professional acts aren't convinced their writing is truly funny until they try it out. Lee Kyle was also trying out some new stuff. No matter how many times I watch his act I laugh, he's a complete smasher (I'm gay for him)

This weekend I'm performing in south shields at Laughterholics Anonymous which is said to be: 'The Clinic For All Your Comedy Needs' then on saturday I'm competing in the hilarity bites competition in darlington. Sunday evening is the come back of pandamonium at HYEM at which I am also performing. Last week I devoted 2 evenings to watching stand up, 2 evenings to performing stand up, 1 evening writing stand up, 1 evening watching live at the apollo and on the sunday I decided to have the day off so I photographed comedians instead. I had planned a while ago to cool off comedy a bit. I fear however I am a comedy baby and simply can't live with out it. Some people do stand up for the love of comedy, some do it for they love themselves….I think I fall in to both categories, well I am a bit mint.

Hinny Ha'way

Today I’m thinking about home. I have travelled to quite a few exotic places in my 26 years and have seen some beautiful sights; I have also seen some not so beautiful sights. Since I was 12 years old I dreamt of being a nomad travelling the globe meeting interesting people along the way and chasing the sun indefinitely. Many of us complain about where we live, we anticipate that we would be better off living else where and become discontent with our lot, even bitter.

Well I’ve decided to point out some rather mint things about living in the north east of England.

1)     The Tyne.

Heading up north on the train, that moment you pass over the Tyne and see the bridges all lit up, you look down over Ouseburn and the Cluny. Which other city in the world tells you it loves you? Always gives me goose pimples.

2)     Wor beaches

Marsden Rock. A place often featured on postcards of south Tyneside. It’s a quiet section of the coast great for skimming stones and secret snogs.

Longsands Tynemouth. My favourite beach to walk along, there’s a great surf culture on this beach and in the summer its busy but not over crowded. It’s right by the priory and is very scenic. Bring your camera, have a walk then chill at Crusoe’s café (which is right on the beach) and just people watch.

There are loads of beauty spots along our coast line we are spoilt for choice

When it comes to the seaside.

3)     Ocean Road.

The best place to get a curry. FACT.

4) Newcastle’s streets

There are some absolutely stunning buildings throughout the streets of Newcastle city centre, look up every now and again ignore the garish shop signs and appreciate the old stone work. Beauteous.

5) Our accents

No one can deny that we have a crackin’ accent. FACT.

6)     When Newcastle wins

I hate football, but when the toon wins the city is ecstatic. Cars beeping at each other, everyone in their tribal stripes. The excitement is infectious and I feel a rather proud to be a Geordie.

7)     Galleries

Like our beaches we’re spoilt for choice. The Baltic, the side, the biscuit factory, the Laing or if you’ve got kids and are skint go to the Discovery museum and let them run wild in the science bit. (The life centre is too expensive)

8)     Our comedy scene

Newcastle is full of funny un’s.

I could go on endlessly but I feel like I’m starting to sound like a holiday brochure.

So in summary; in the north east of England you are never far from a bit of entertainment, a spot of culture, something lush to look at, something fun to do or some one canny to chat too. Sure we have our problems but the grass is just the right shade of green.

Damn we’re brilliant.

Jive Turkey

Transport update: Someone almost sat in my spot on the ferry this morning. I would have been livid I tell you.

Dog update: Poppi Susan said she missed me (a lot) when I was in London and so we spent most of last night spooning.

Last Friday I spent the day consuming strawberry beer. On the evening I stepped in with Lee Kyle and Simon Buglass and performed at a charity gig at Cluny2. This was gig number 28. It was to raise money for teenagers with cancer. I was rather squiffy by this point and hadn’t planned to perform. I scribbled some nonsense on my hand and nonsense is what came out of my mouth. I asked Lee if I was horrendous and he told me not to worry because I probably won’t remember it. I think that might be a yes then. Not an evening that will feature in my autobiography.

NB. I’m not writing an autobiography.

On Monday night I performed at the laughing horse semi finals. I came third out of 13 people. I wasn’t expecting to get through even as a runner up so rather chuffed with that result, even if I don’t go any further.

The guy that won my heat (sounds weird) was welsh, I love the Welsh accent so I’ve been talking in a welsh accent for the majority of the afternoon. Oh yes I’m a pleasure to be around.

The gig was in Brixton. Brixton has got a bad rep' for being dangerous and weird. I've been to Brixton twice and both times I ate in nandos FACT. When we were walking down the road a man threw loads of ice mixed with stinky fish guts in front of our feet. My friend Lee Fawkes has been to Brixton this is what he said about it: 


"I've only ever been to Brixton once and that was when we got lost going though London on our way to Portsmouth, we saw a Washing machine on fire in the street on top of a Transit Van and we stopped to ask a guy directions and he gave us a load of nonsense and then was sick in a perfect column.  There were no white people."


This made me laugh for a few days.

When we were in London we ventured down to Brighton. Brighton is where every single Londoner goes and it’s full of gypsies and is expensive. I enjoyed playing the ‘spot the gypsy’ game. My cousin told me to stop shouting gypsy in the street.

Gig number 30 will be next week at the literature festival in Newcastle. Should I get a prize maybe for reaching 30?

Next week I’m going to go to a jive class with Mr Lovett.

 We went to one last week and it was horrendous. It was basically a ‘help the aged’ social evening with a massive shot of campness. An old crone shouted ‘YOU STAND OVER THERE’ at me, and then she stole my husband, the jive turkey.  When me and Stu finally got to dance together, we nutted each other in a very ungraceful way. That’s when we bailed and went to see the film roommate (the most horrendous film ever spewed forth) I have been told that this jive class in Newcastle is more ‘rockabilly vintage’ and less ‘this wasn’t vintage when I bought it’

Hopefully there’ll be fewer injuries.