Zoology

Transport update:

Recently I’ve been getting the number 9 bus to work. This commute has proven the most effective in terms of minimal changes and time scale. However as we all know, public transport is open to the public. The public is full of nice people; it is also full of annoying people. There is this one woman I regularly see; I have not spoken to this woman, yet I reckon I could accurately write down her CV. This is due to her incessant rambling to other passengers. Her craic is generally “ yeah I have a degree in zoology but I work in the job centre as there aren’t many jobs available in zoology; and I should know!” buhbumbum tish!

The other evening she spent a number of minutes listing all of the supermarkets in the area, their closing times and how you can get cheap meat at a certain time. “I went in to Co-op at 18:50 on Wednesday and managed to find a cooked joint of ham for 54p!” the poor man she was inflicting her jabbery on patiently listened to her unremitting nonsense before he finally responded with “I’m a vegetarian” bad news zoology girl! She laughed nervously and offered (almost as a way of an apology) “I used to be a vegetarian for 7 years” it was as though she had ‘done her time’ as a vegetarian and therefore is now morally obliged to gorge her rosy face with cheap cuts.

I prefer a quiet commute.

Dog update:

It is 21 days until Lovett and I travel half the country to collect the latest addition to our little family Penny Lovett. I have explained to Poppi she is due to meet her new sister, her reaction remains despondent and aloof.

Fruit update:

I have an old pomegranate in my drawer.

Comedy:

My next comedy gig is for the Grinning idiot at the Cluny 2 on New Years Eve. I’m rather excited to get the microphone back in my hand; my last gig was 24^th November at The Stand. It was lovely, I wore lipstick and had curled hair thus my Samson theory prevails.

I’ve written a new joke by accident:

“It’s cold isn’t it? It was so cold the other night I walked the dog wearing three jumpers!...the poor thing looked stupid.”

hehehe

Samson

Wednesday was my 65^th gig, I mc’d Red Raw at the Stand Newcastle. Having only Mc’d a handful of times, my confidence was lacking. I started the gig by explaining the logistics of the night then delved in to a bit of brand new material, this was a bit of a gamble as usually acts try out new material sandwiched between stuff they know works, the gamble did not pay off. There were a few moments in the night when I stepped on stage and didn’t have a clue what I was going to say, this has to have been the most anxious I’ve ever been on stage.

I spoke to the owner of the club after the gig Tommy, he’s an absolute gem. He gave me bits of advice and a lovely big hug. I’m going to get back on that scary big horse and give it another bash, only this time I’m going to be more prepared.

My brain wasn’t in the game on Wednesday night but I don’t feel like my attire was right either. For some acts what they wear seems to hold no relevance, clothing and appearance has a direct link to how I feel and act. I’ve read that Ross Noble likes to wear skater trainers on stage as they ‘give him a good grounding’ yet are comfortable enough for his high energy routines. On Wednesday I was all in black with tan boots and belt, I wore my hair straight, these are the clothes I wore to work that day, my everyday wardrobe if you like. Usually on stage I like to wear a brightly coloured dress, I feel feminine and confident in heels, I wear my hair curly and my lips are painted red. Appearing on stage as Nicola rather than ‘stand up Nicola’ made me feel uncharacteristically shy and defensive.

So to summarise it wasn’t my lack of preparation that made me a bit rubbish on Wednesday it was because I had straight hair and no lipstick I was like a plucked peacock! I’m basically the Samson of the comedy world!

(Ok maybe I should write some jokes)   

Back by popular demand.

A number of people (about 4- hey that’s a number!) have asked me why I stopped writing my blog as they enjoyed reading it during a toilet break or skive from work or simply to break up the monotony of their voyeuristic lives. Whatever their reasons, I decided to have another little bash at it.

Transport update: The other day one of the ferry men crept up behind me and pretended to push me off my seat and in to the Tyne. Never a dull moment.

Dog update: Last night I had some girls over and we were discussing the basic needs of a human being and how gross men can be (typical) my mother in law commented that farts were one thing but burps really get to her, she claimed that if someone burps near her it can make her physically sick. At that precise moment my dog burped. Oh how we laughed!

Fruit update: Today I have a banana and a tub of strawberries.

The last time I updated this blog was in May, a great deal has happened since then. I have been to San Francisco AND Leeds. I have dyed my hair blonde, performed at many gigs, bought an olive tree, seen lots of friends and family…err life basically.

Here’s a list of the gigs I’ve done since my time being AWOL:

36^th Do tell tales (a lovely little gig)

37^th Long Live Comedy

38^th Freevo festival

39^th SoYouThinkYou’reFunny? Competition Leeds (I got through-oh yes)

40^th Variety review

41^st Quack Quack

42^nd Long Live Comedy

43^rd Random gig in Bradford (somewhere)

44^th Charity gig for NTCC

45^th Tyneside cinema

46^th The Live theatre grinning idiot

47^th Funny’s funny

48^th The Boardwalk café

49^th The Sage Gateshead Local Heroes the grinning idiot- jeffing awesome gig!

50^th The ship Newbiggin

51^st Long Live comedy – This was weirdest experience I’ve ever had at Long Live.

I didn’t realise until I just wrote this down that I’d reached my 50^th gig, it was a strange little gig. It was through the day and there were children there. Lee Kyle shouted at a child. She deserved it though.

Where are my bones?

Transport update: I'm still enjoying the delights of the tyne and wear public transportation system. I found myself laughing at a woman missing her metro yesterday. I'm pretty sure karma will bite me in the ass.

N.B. I do not believe in karma so in your face Earl! 

Dog update: Poppi is losing an extreme amount of hair/fur as she is getting her summer coat in. This is most frustrating as every time I move the sofa there's half a dozen hamster shapes floating about. The hairy bitch.

Fruit update: (as requested by my friend meg) I have eaten some grapes today.

My 30th gig was on 5th may. I suppose I should mature a bit now I've reached the 30's. The gig was a weird one. It was part of a series of evenings called inkfest. There was probably about 15 people there other than the comedians and staff. There was this woman in the front row with bright blue hair. She was not there to laugh at all and sat arms crossed at times refusing to even look at the comedians. We decided her problem was she had no bones. I went home and made this picture of her:

My 31st gig was at the Grinning idiot. It was the last gig to be held at St Doms in Newcastle. It was a lovely evening and my set was nicely received. Also on that night was Chris Wade, George Zach, James Dodeswell and John Scott. Callum Cram did a weird dance thing at the end it was amusing but he seemed a bit injured.

My 32nd gig was at Long Live comedy at the Dog and Parrot in Newcastle. I tried out some brand spanking new material. It was a productive evening I'd say 50% of the set was for keeps other stuff is in the maybe pile. It's so exhilarating trying out new material, its the adrenaline the not knowing what reaction it'll get. Even professional acts aren't convinced their writing is truly funny until they try it out. Lee Kyle was also trying out some new stuff. No matter how many times I watch his act I laugh, he's a complete smasher (I'm gay for him)

This weekend I'm performing in south shields at Laughterholics Anonymous which is said to be: 'The Clinic For All Your Comedy Needs' then on saturday I'm competing in the hilarity bites competition in darlington. Sunday evening is the come back of pandamonium at HYEM at which I am also performing. Last week I devoted 2 evenings to watching stand up, 2 evenings to performing stand up, 1 evening writing stand up, 1 evening watching live at the apollo and on the sunday I decided to have the day off so I photographed comedians instead. I had planned a while ago to cool off comedy a bit. I fear however I am a comedy baby and simply can't live with out it. Some people do stand up for the love of comedy, some do it for they love themselves….I think I fall in to both categories, well I am a bit mint.

Hinny Ha'way

Today I’m thinking about home. I have travelled to quite a few exotic places in my 26 years and have seen some beautiful sights; I have also seen some not so beautiful sights. Since I was 12 years old I dreamt of being a nomad travelling the globe meeting interesting people along the way and chasing the sun indefinitely. Many of us complain about where we live, we anticipate that we would be better off living else where and become discontent with our lot, even bitter.

Well I’ve decided to point out some rather mint things about living in the north east of England.

1)     The Tyne.

Heading up north on the train, that moment you pass over the Tyne and see the bridges all lit up, you look down over Ouseburn and the Cluny. Which other city in the world tells you it loves you? Always gives me goose pimples.

2)     Wor beaches

Marsden Rock. A place often featured on postcards of south Tyneside. It’s a quiet section of the coast great for skimming stones and secret snogs.

Longsands Tynemouth. My favourite beach to walk along, there’s a great surf culture on this beach and in the summer its busy but not over crowded. It’s right by the priory and is very scenic. Bring your camera, have a walk then chill at Crusoe’s café (which is right on the beach) and just people watch.

There are loads of beauty spots along our coast line we are spoilt for choice

When it comes to the seaside.

3)     Ocean Road.

The best place to get a curry. FACT.

4) Newcastle’s streets

There are some absolutely stunning buildings throughout the streets of Newcastle city centre, look up every now and again ignore the garish shop signs and appreciate the old stone work. Beauteous.

5) Our accents

No one can deny that we have a crackin’ accent. FACT.

6)     When Newcastle wins

I hate football, but when the toon wins the city is ecstatic. Cars beeping at each other, everyone in their tribal stripes. The excitement is infectious and I feel a rather proud to be a Geordie.

7)     Galleries

Like our beaches we’re spoilt for choice. The Baltic, the side, the biscuit factory, the Laing or if you’ve got kids and are skint go to the Discovery museum and let them run wild in the science bit. (The life centre is too expensive)

8)     Our comedy scene

Newcastle is full of funny un’s.

I could go on endlessly but I feel like I’m starting to sound like a holiday brochure.

So in summary; in the north east of England you are never far from a bit of entertainment, a spot of culture, something lush to look at, something fun to do or some one canny to chat too. Sure we have our problems but the grass is just the right shade of green.

Damn we’re brilliant.

Jive Turkey

Transport update: Someone almost sat in my spot on the ferry this morning. I would have been livid I tell you.

Dog update: Poppi Susan said she missed me (a lot) when I was in London and so we spent most of last night spooning.

Last Friday I spent the day consuming strawberry beer. On the evening I stepped in with Lee Kyle and Simon Buglass and performed at a charity gig at Cluny2. This was gig number 28. It was to raise money for teenagers with cancer. I was rather squiffy by this point and hadn’t planned to perform. I scribbled some nonsense on my hand and nonsense is what came out of my mouth. I asked Lee if I was horrendous and he told me not to worry because I probably won’t remember it. I think that might be a yes then. Not an evening that will feature in my autobiography.

NB. I’m not writing an autobiography.

On Monday night I performed at the laughing horse semi finals. I came third out of 13 people. I wasn’t expecting to get through even as a runner up so rather chuffed with that result, even if I don’t go any further.

The guy that won my heat (sounds weird) was welsh, I love the Welsh accent so I’ve been talking in a welsh accent for the majority of the afternoon. Oh yes I’m a pleasure to be around.

The gig was in Brixton. Brixton has got a bad rep' for being dangerous and weird. I've been to Brixton twice and both times I ate in nandos FACT. When we were walking down the road a man threw loads of ice mixed with stinky fish guts in front of our feet. My friend Lee Fawkes has been to Brixton this is what he said about it: 


"I've only ever been to Brixton once and that was when we got lost going though London on our way to Portsmouth, we saw a Washing machine on fire in the street on top of a Transit Van and we stopped to ask a guy directions and he gave us a load of nonsense and then was sick in a perfect column.  There were no white people."


This made me laugh for a few days.

When we were in London we ventured down to Brighton. Brighton is where every single Londoner goes and it’s full of gypsies and is expensive. I enjoyed playing the ‘spot the gypsy’ game. My cousin told me to stop shouting gypsy in the street.

Gig number 30 will be next week at the literature festival in Newcastle. Should I get a prize maybe for reaching 30?

Next week I’m going to go to a jive class with Mr Lovett.

 We went to one last week and it was horrendous. It was basically a ‘help the aged’ social evening with a massive shot of campness. An old crone shouted ‘YOU STAND OVER THERE’ at me, and then she stole my husband, the jive turkey.  When me and Stu finally got to dance together, we nutted each other in a very ungraceful way. That’s when we bailed and went to see the film roommate (the most horrendous film ever spewed forth) I have been told that this jive class in Newcastle is more ‘rockabilly vintage’ and less ‘this wasn’t vintage when I bought it’

Hopefully there’ll be fewer injuries.

Hold the phones!

Transport update: Yesterday as a joke, the swash buckling ferry man pretended to close the ferry door seconds before I reached it. He did however let me board. I nearly dropped my purse in the Tyne. Not ideal.

Dog update: Poppi’s foot hair is getting a bit too long, Giselle Nejady reckons she is a bit Grinch-esq.

Today I’m a film reviewer.

On Monday night I watched a film called Roommate. This was quite possibly the worst film I have ever seen in my 26years. It was worse than Epic movie and other crap of a similar ilk.

Genre: Psychological thriller (apparently... I’d describe it as idiot gore-fest)

The Cast: Some American idiots from the likes of Gossip girl and programmes about important things like Cheer leading.

Basic story line: Girl has a roommate; roommate turns out to be a crazy. Roommate is violent. Roommate is scary. Roommate dies. Happy ending because crazy roommate is dead.

The film was completely obvious, it was primarily boring and the acting was terrible. If that wasn’t bad enough, it presented a sensationalised image of mental illness and pertained to every negative stereotype available.

This scene made me laugh:

Roommate leaves the room; girl starts to rummage through roommate’s things and finds pills. Boyfriend enters room.

Boyfriend: “what are those?”

Girl: “that’s what I’m about to find out.”

*boyfriend and girl are researching the name of the pills in a darkened room with only the light of the computer screen.

Girl: “…it says here that these are commonly used for treatment of schizophrenia or…..Bi POLAR!”

*girl looks up at boyfriend with furrowed brow.

Hold the phones not Bi Polar! Quick lock up your daughters and pull down the shutters the loopies are in town! What a load of idiocy. Preposterous.

At one point roommate and girl went for coffee and met a group of girls who roommate knew from high school. It became apparent that roommate had showed similar obsessive behaviour with high school girl and had seemingly scared her. High school girl said to roommate: “we were never friends”. This hurt roommate and you could tell this hurt her because she made a sad face like this L

If roommate had shown a template of obsessive/unhealthy behaviour in the past then this should have been noticed and support been put in place for her. Social services let us down yet again. Pft.

This scene upset me:

Roommate has just murdered/injured most people. Roommate is now strangling girl. Girl manages to find a Stanley knife (the knife had blood on it because roommate used it for her murders etc). Just before girl stabs roommate girl utters the words:

“We were never friends”

What an absolute bitch. They most definitely were friends. They went to art galleries together, shared midnight pancakes, giggled and named a kitten together. Girl is a liar and I hate her.

The over all moral of the story was that people with a mental health problem:

• Are violent
• Are scary
• Don’t have friends

The happy ending involved girl removing roommate’s bed from her room and making dinner plans with boyfriend. No word was said about the fact that she was the murderer of a vulnerable person. I do like a happy ending.

When Mel Gibson directed The Passion of the Christ there was an uproar regarding the negative representation of Jews. Similarly, if there was a film about a gay person, a person of a particular creed, nationality or gender and said film presented such a negative stereotypical message based solely on ignorance, then I’m fairly confident that there would be much controversy. Why then is it acceptable to regard mental illness in this light? “It’s only entertainment” you might argue. No it is not only entertainment, film/tv/any media infact it is a format, a medium of filtering views through to us as the audience, its saying “hey it’s ok to say this”.

Never have I been so irritated by a movie. I have as a result, decided not to waste another moment of my life on a bad movie. I made a similar decision regarding trashy “it’ll do while I sunbathe” novels. Instead I will consider my choices more carefully. I am not trying to sound pretentious; just I don’t need such idiot views of narrow-minded-air-headedness in my life thanks.

To leave you on a more positive note, here are some brilliant movies with the theme of mental illness: Fight club, A beautiful mind, Black swan and Girl interrupted.

NB. I know some brilliant people who live with mental health problems. I wouldn’t want to change a thing about them. 

Atlas

Transport update: I felt a bit sick on the ferry this morning, it sort of crashed in to the port/harbour thing at north shields and nearly made me fall off my chair. On board I recognised two Mormon fellows. They were on the same metro journey as myself when I was arguing with the smoking Chav. They had good craic one was ginger one was not. They don’t call themselves Mormons, they’re known as:

 Christians of the church of latter day saints (bit wordy). I used to think that the Moonmins were called Mormons when I was a child. How mistaken I was.

This is information about Christians of the church of latter day saints:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Church_of_Jesus_Christ_of_Latter-day_Saints

This is information about Moomins:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moomin

There are very few similarities between the two.

Dog update: Alsatians make me nervous.

Today I’m thinking about mental health and feeling sad. There is a difference. Some of the carers I work with support loved ones with ill mental health, I have recently been on mental health first aid training and this week I’m helping to make a short film with the purpose of reducing stigma around mental health problems. Catherine Zeeta Jones has recently ‘came out’ as being Bi polar. So this is rather topical all round.

Stephen fry famously lives with Bi polar, he refers to his condition as an affliction, but one that he would not want to be rid of. He commented: “If you have a hundred people in a Stone Age village, you want some of them to stay in a cave boiling up the bones, some of them to go out and do the hunting. But somewhere you want one of them who is just a little off-kilter, whose ideas are just a bit weird, who has a creative imagination that is technically mad because he or she is suggesting doing things or trying things that no one has ever thought of before. 

“It’s actually necessary for our gene pool to have some people in it who are just not normal. It is an immense privilege to belong to a group of people who are not normal.” 

(http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/living/features/a-little-bit-of-stephen-fry)

Some of the greatest people in the world have lived/are living with some form of mental health problem. Many artists/ singers/ comedians have Bi polar. There’s still however, so much negative connotations regarding this topic and I fear there will be for some time to come. However when a celebrity admits to being imperfect the rest of us sort of give a sigh of relief “ahh it’s everyone then”.

Every one has mental health and some times keeping it healthy can be a fine balance. Environmental/social and circumstantial factors can affect you such as diet, exercise, sleep, relationships etc. Below is a box of four areas of mental health, this was used as part of a training day I attended a few weeks ago.

Diagnosed mental health problem, good environmental/circumstantial factors	No diagnosed problem, good environmental/circumstantial factors
Diagnosed mental health problem, poor environmental/circumstantial factors	No diagnosed problem, poor environmental/circumstantial factors

This is not intended to categorise people, rather it is to show that at any point we can move to a different section or box. You can fall in to depression, something in your life can have such an affect on you that it alters your mentality, or more positively you can find ways of coping/ living with mental illness.

Sometimes one can feel like Atlas, carrying the weight of the world on one’s shoulders. I feel like I have been in a similar mental disposition of recent months, I’m ready now however to do as a Russian shot putter might do and hoy that massive ball of problems in to the sea (I doubt that a shot putter would do this and I apologise if I have offended anyone by labelling said shot putter as Russian…what a stereotype)

I guess what I’m saying is I’m ready to move box.

Pick your battles

Transport update: I'm not going anywhere today.

Dog Update: Poppi is asleep next to me on the sofa and has asked for me not to discuss her personal issues via my blog.

Today I'm thinking about arguments. Not arguments with your husband/partner but rather with random people. I have had quite an argumentative disposition of recent days, I'm not sure what's wrong with me (woman) Here are some arguments/confrontations I have experienced recently:

1. Confronted two teenage boys for attempting to slot a pringle tube in a bush.

"well that's littering isn't it! stick that in the bin!" (bin was right next to them and they did what I said with apologetic slumped shoulders) 

WIN

2. Confronted intoxicated Chav on the metro for smoking.

This was not a good idea as the Chav was a bit intimidating and he did not put said cigarette out, he did however threaten me with violence. 

FAIL

3. I have been harassed by a substantial number of charity beggars recently esp Christian Aid workers, I have engaged in conversation with said beggars and gradually lost my patience. Here are some responses I have utilised:

"stop following me"

"go away"

"I have no eyes" (lee Kyle's suggestion, charity person was very confused)

"I know nothing about wrestling" (said to a WWF person)

"I don't like you people"

"I have no bank"

"I don't believe in helping people"

I don't feel that this is a WIN as I'm still being harassed.

4. Once two old ladies said my laugh was too loud (really?) I was at the Tyneside Cinema watching 'all about Eve' with my sister and mamma. I laughed at a few parts of the movie which I personally found amusing. I really enjoyed the film and had a lovely day. The old ladies did not enjoy my laughter, this is more or less how the 'conversation' (or very loud argument) went:

Old wench "you are too loud"

me: "if you can't bare an audience, rent the DVD and stay at home"

(shocked but trying to remain respectful)

Old bat: "this film is not your type of film"

Me: "that's not really for you to say is it?"

(feeling a bit miffed and confused about why this conversation is happening)

Old witch:"you laughed at the wrong parts"

Me: "humour is subjective, I laughed at what I thought was funny"

(how dare she say that to me, these woman are horrible)

Old crone: "You're behaviour is inappropriate" 

Me: "I find this public display quite 'inappropriate' actually"

(breathing deeply through nose, calm Nicola calm.)

Old hag: "you shouldn't come here, we come on a sunday night you shouldn't"

Me: "I'm actually finished talking to you now, please go away and stop talking to me. I'm not interested in you, you're very annoying. Go."

(blood starting to boil, Nicola these women are elderly, there fore you can't shout at them, remain semi respectful)

Old wifey: "you have no idea how to conduct yourself in public"

(I'm very angry now)

Me: "OH YEAH? WELL YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PUT MAKE UP ON!"

(blue eye shadow and red lipstick on hairy lip and teeth)

Old tart: "oh that's just rude!"

Me: "YOU ARE A STUPID PERSON! GO ON! KEEP ON WALKING! GET LOST! GO WATCH A DVD YOU IDIOTS!"

(full on riot mode- WHERE IS MY SWORD!?)

WIN.

Moral of the story: pick your arguments with children and old idiots, not violent chavs. 

How to be a grown up.

Dog update: Poppi has to have her anal gland released today (Poppi is my dog)

Transport update: Yesterday I was late for work because I missed the ferry. The captain and a couple of passengers laughed at me and the rope person shrugged his shoulders at me as they sailed away to North Shields.

I’ve been thinking about being grown up. I think I’m at a bit of a weird age at the moment. I’m 26. What SHOULD a 26 year old be doing/have done? My parents and Stuart’s parents think that we should be making babies by now and that: “we’ll never grow up until we have children”. Saying a person is not an adult because they’ve not had children is like saying a chair is not a chair if no one has sat on it. I don’t wish to be sat on just yet.

When you become an adult do you get a certificate? Or someone tells you that you are? A 26 year old is not a child so by default I’m adult. I googled ‘how to be a grown up?’ and found some tips:

1. Take responsibility for your own life.
2. Accept well-intentioned counsel from those who know and love you.
3. Your parents can't fix your problems or turn you into a kid again.

I decided to be ‘adult’ when I was reminded of the time at which I should start work (when I arrived in 30 minutes later) Really I wanted to cry and call my line manager names like idiot cow bag etc but instead I took responsibility.

In South Africa, women really aren't thought of as independent adults until after the death of their husbands and his brothers. Hmm interesting.  Not ideal.

I’ve decided to write a list of things an adult should/shouldn’t do.

Should.	Should not
Pay Bills on time	Have a leaky bath
Eat sensibly	Shout in the office
Be nice	Stay up all night playing on bejeweled blitz
Exercise	‘frape’ one's husband instead of going to bed
Be serious when appropriate	Eat only chocolate for breakfast
Have some sort of mortgage	Laugh at someone falling over in the street
Save money	Scream when a pigeon is near you
Wear matching underwear	Day dream about your hair in important meetings
Be on time	Make inappropriate ‘rape’ jokes to line manager
Have an organised filing system	Argue with old ladies at the Tyneside Cinema.

I think that this is quite a tidy box.

where are those pants?

Transport update: I’ve had to write the words: ‘bus pass’ on my hand to remind me to renew the thing. How common.

Random childhood memory: I remember watching an episode of the sitcom Roseanne and thinking ‘why aren’t my jeans like Darlene’s and David’s?’’ (They were all torn at the knees). So I decided to cut my perfectly good jeans. They DID NOT look anything like Darlene’s. I realised that this particular look was most likely achieved through wear and tear. So I started walking around on my knees to try and wear out a second pair of jeans. This only caused red knee caps.

In retrospect I’m pretty sure I could have picked a more inspiring fashion icon.

I am quite miffed because I’ve noticed that missing some items of clothing. I have lost a few things over the years and every time it happens it irritates me immensely. I feel like the pants (for example) are sitting there laughing at me in an elaborate game of hide and seek. Damn you pants and your playful ways!

Here are some things I’ve ‘misplaced’:

1. A pair of navy Adidas nylon jogging bottoms (lost in 1998)
2. A jade Green pashmina (left in a friend’s car back in 2006)
3. A black pashmina (lost in Glitter ball in 2008… I know)
4. A piece of linen I used as a bandana whilst sunbathing (this was free in a magazine but I’m upset its no longer in my life)
5. A white T-shirt with a picture of a cat on it (recent loss)
6. A coral pink Aeropostale hoody most likely left in the gym
7. My favourite pair of indigo skinny jeans which I love and have lost and am upset about L

Seven is not a usual ‘list’ number but it is the number of heavenly completeness so we’ll go with that.

My flat is a right tip at the moment due to our decorating pursuits, I couldn’t get to half my clothes so I popped on a crumpled up dress I found in the bottom of my wardrobe and some bright red tights which I got fresh off the line, and you know what? I have never had so many compliments for such minimal effort! In your face Darlene!

I have cancelled a couple of up coming gigs on account of other areas of my life needed a wee bit of attention so I haven’t gigged since Tuesday 5^th April. My next one is the semi finals at the laughing horse competition next week in London.

How very exciting. 

Vampires in the midst

Transport update: Yesterday there was a girl on the metro who’s hair resembled white fluff, she back combed it when her little fat, fake tanned streaked fingers, She then proceeded to pout at herself at her reflection. What a smasher.

Dog update: We washed her the other day and her fur looks massive now.

Random stranger interaction: I was stood at South Shields metro station waiting for my train. A middle aged, medium build, male, Caucasian wearing spectacles approached me:

“Can you buy tickets on the train?” he asked

“No, the ticket machines are just there” I pointed at the five ticket machines

“Well I don’t have any change.” He stated, looking at me accusingly

“…..” I made an ‘oh dear’ face

“Right well I suppose I’ll have to get some money out then” he mumbled

What did he expect me to do exactly?

Monday evening was gig number 26. I decided to try a new set; it was a list of things that slightly irritate me. Some of it sparked a bit of a discussion, which suited the type of room, if that had of happened with a bigger audience it wouldn’t have worked. There were a few nice lines amongst that set which I think I’ll keep, it’s a bit of a grower that one.

Tuesday evening (last night) was gig number 27. I stepped in as MC at the Long Live Comedy. I had the best time ever doing it, it was so much fun. A few people gave me some advice saying you just need to be liked rather than be funny and to just relax and enjoy the evening. The line up was really diverse consisting of: - Sharon Race, second performance from Al McWilliam, a power point show from Barry Fox, first timers Adam Wilkinson (Umby) and Kristian James, Sean Mcloughlin opening, Andy Clarke, Al Daws and the last minute (drunken) addition of John Scott. The night was alive, there was a really big buzz, I’m not sure whether I felt this on account of my own excitement MCing or whether others experienced it too.

I did that thing where you get all the men to shout something then all the women, it went like this:

“Boys are you ready for some comedy?!”

“HELL YEAH”

“Girls are you ready for some comedy?”

“eeeeeeee”

This made me laugh a lot.

I laughed a great deal through out the night actually. After Barry Fox did his set I got up on stage and couldn’t talk for laughing, which made everyone else start again. I bloody love Barry Fox he’s a genius. Look out for him.

At the end of the evening I photographed the audience so that they could tag themselves on facebook and get the club some publicity. Callum Cram and George Zach grabbed the spot lights and started shining them on the audience, the reactions were hilarious, it was like a scene from a bad vampire movie. I started snapping away then commented “this has all just gone a bit weird really hasn’t it?” which made people laugh so it looked like they were enjoying comedy rather than just being violated.

Long Live Comedy is a brilliant club; it’s in a skuzzy room with knackered old sofas and leaky loos. It usually gets too hot when it’s crowded and there’s never any toilet roll in the ladies. It is however a grand example of the gritty beginnings of comedy, new acts nervously stepping up for their first attempt at stand up and a familiar return for daddy’s of comedy. May it live long indeed.